does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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