I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
