When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
