dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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