we have pet lesbian snakes
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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