Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
zippers are such a cool invention
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
