there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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