i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
