We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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