I think my fart just growled at me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
