Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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