he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
