If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
