I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
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We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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