i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Blood and glitter go together right?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
