I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
