so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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