We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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