The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
