When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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