just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
