please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Drunk is a universal language darling
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
