Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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