spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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