Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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