Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
