I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize