i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
