i can't believe i had my finger in that
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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