i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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