you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i would one night stand the shit outta him
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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