Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
