So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
