I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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