Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
