a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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