how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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