What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm at about main and main street
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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