bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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