mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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