The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
