I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
how do flat chested girls get laid?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
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It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
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Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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