Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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