I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Boobs speak an international language.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
