If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
