Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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