he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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