Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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