Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
