I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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