Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
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Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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