i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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