You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
