I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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