I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I love having hate sex.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
