either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
