I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
